General Motors REPLY TO BILL GATES

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” 

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, especially 7th point and 10’Th point):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn wouldcause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car  that was powered by  the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as  easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the  roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.”Never undervalue the manufacturing & automobile industries

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ClassiC DefinitionS & CooL MeaningS

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”.

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails……

2% or 98% ? U ?

2% or 98% This is strange. Can you figure it out? Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

Do the following exercise…!

  • It is guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
  • There’s no trick or surprise.
  • Just follow these instructions
  • Answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can.
  • Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them

Think of a number from 1 to 10

Multiply that number by 9

If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

Now subtract 5

Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(Example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.)

Think of a country that starts with that letter.

Remember the last letter of the name of that country.

Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter.

Remember the last letter in the name of that animal.

Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter.

Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?

I told you this was FREAKY….!!

If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise..

Quotes

“He gave man speech, and speech created thought, Which is the measure
of the Universe”—Prometheus Unbound, Shelley.

“We cut nature up, organize it into concepts, and ascribe significances as
we do, largely because we are parties to an agreement that holds
throughout our speech community and is codified in the patterns of our
language … we cannot talk at all except by subscribing to the
organization and classification of data which the agreement decrees.”
Benjamin Lee Whorf (1897-1941)

“As we enjoy great Advantages from the Inventions of others, we
should be glad of an Opportunity to serve others by any Invention
of ours, and this we should do freely and generously.”
|Benjamin Franklin, quoted in Benjamin Franklin by Edmund S.
Morgan.

“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” (from A. Conan Doyle’s The Sign of Four).

Programming languages are formal languages that have
been designed to express computations.

Any time you have a question about what is legal or illegal in Java, a good way to find out is to ask the compiler.

“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we donot understand”..–Frank Herbert.

“The problem with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer.”

“Most people have the will to win, few have the will to prepare to win.”

“Find a job you love, and you will never have to work again” – Confucious

“You aren’t remembered for doing what is expected of you”

 

Jokes

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage – Drink whenever you are SAD
after Marriage – Drink whenever you are HAPPY


Three FASTEST means of Communication:
1. Tele-Phone
2. Television
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.


Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.


A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC


What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.


Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says: we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says: No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.


If you do NOT have a Girl Friend – You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend – You are missing EVERY thing in your life.


Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.


When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from\nDarkness.
\nEven after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please PAY the ELECTRICITY\nBILL.


Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
\nBecause as per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.


Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.


When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and asks him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.


Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because as per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

Corporate Positions & Meanings

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivewhite, they’ll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to Produce a baby.and lastly……………..

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

10) Team Lead is a person actually knows how many men and women require to deliver the baby , but will not tell anyone.

Lessons in Logic II

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.


 “Your future depends on your dreams”
So go to sleep